SpacesWhen you saidyou needed space,you meant morebetween your fingers,so you could holdsomeone else's hand.
.my cat has ninelives and i fear he willspend each one doingthe same fuckingthingstaring out of thewindow at the birds onthe fence, when he could beout there, sinking histeeth in
knees and toeshere is a short list of things i know:Cody says he hates David, but he really doesn’t,i will never wear a coat until the first of November,i hate myself in the spring,the sun is 92, 960, 000 miles from earth and i’m pretty surethat number is rounded to look prettyor god must be ocd.it’s a miracle, i’m learning to look you in the eye.make a wish, make a wish, any wishi’m plucking out my eyelashes, i’m learningto give up beauty for a shot at happiness.i say too much too quickly without getting outall of the consonants and my speech is craggyand rocky like an abandoned trail in the Appalachians,overgrown and the road not taken.my fingernails are ragged and bitten to the shorteststub i could stand. i don’t want to hurt you,i don’t want to hurt myself, my fingernails cannothurt you but i can still hurt myself. one day i’llbe brave enough to leave scratch marks on your skinin angry red lines, one day i’ll be some
MizpahThe crying windbrings adeluge:lostand blurred atthe edges,youbecomeawhisper.
SpeechlessWriting is my passion.It's what I do.It's who I am.I can weave words easily, without thinking.But when I think of you,I'mspeechless.
the thing is i wish i were kidding but man,the sky fell when you left.
sometimes i forget how to breatheAn overwhelming need to shut myselfunderwater and drink in my inevitabledeath. Crawl out to shore and gaspout apologies while tending to cut knees,but leave the internal damage. Find somethingto tether me to the ground, clutch itbetween pruned and shaking hands.Water drips off my nose, down my arms,plinks into the puddle in my lungs.I am drowning on dry land, chokingon the irresistible thought of you.
letters on leaving.i wrote my first suicide letter in 10th grade.they told me it didn't count if you felt like dyingunless you had it down on paperlike a vetoed birth certificate.i've rewritten it enough times sinceto realize i could never leave with a proper goodbye.goodbye is too heavy a word for paper to holdand i was never brave enough for the kind of courage it takes to tell themwhy.why they weren't enough to keep me here.but i'm finally learning a different kind of bravery-the kind it takes tostay.stay.i learned to wear death like rope burn my junior yearmy senior year we became friends but i finally stopped cutting the insides of wristswhen i finally realized death never arrives on time,i started smoking when i turned 18to speed his arrivalbecause somedays, 15 less earth rotations around the sun sounds like a blessing.2 years later I'm still learning to let the self destructive habits goI stopped smoking againthrew the knife away and closed the toilet lid.learnin